


Wanting To Go

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 01:28:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14069937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Alec tries to wade through confusing thoughts





	Wanting To Go

**Author's Note:**

> Episode tag for 1x5; mostly Alec musing to himself.

Jace.

Alec's head has been _full_ of Jace for so many reasons since he was a teen. He's studied him, learned him, watching him when Jace hasn't known he was looking. He's _loved_ him, Alec thinks, that continual guilt sitting hard in his stomach for something so destructive to have ever become a part of his mind.

These past few days have been a whirlwind, with a new interruption to his normally driven or well-hidden thought process. _Clary_ has insinuated herself into their world, and Alec loathes her for it. For the rules they've broken, all the things they've done since her arrival, and the _look_ her presence has put on Jace's face.

And he's stuck with her, Alec thinks, despair waging hard enough to threaten to erupt, he's stuck with her here, training, when he should be on this diplomatic mission with the Seelies, and—

His phone, at least, gives him a moment away from dealing with Clary, even if it is from an unknown number.

"Hello? Who is this?" he says, not keeping the suspicion from his voice.

"Alexander. Hi. It's Magnus," he hears, telling his heart it isn't quickening. Because Magnus is another new _thing_ that's begun to invade his mind. "We met the other day. You know, with the demon."

Like Alec will ever forget _that_ , he thinks with a soft laugh, though it's cut short for the thought of _Jace_.

"Uh, yeah… Yeah, hey, what's up?" he stammers out, hoping it's more articulate than the first words he'd spoken to Magnus. It's important, Alec thinks, that Magnus doesn't hear him stumbling; even if he's not sure why.

"I was just thinking, it was really nice getting to know you. You seem… sympathetic."

Alec huffs at that, thinks back to the brief, stilted conversation they'd had as Alec was leaving his apartment the last time—the _only_ time they've met. He doesn't know what Magnus is trying to tell him, frowning to fathom out his words.

"Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?"

That wasn't what he'd been expecting to hear, Alec thinks, guarded because he doesn't know how else to talk in situations out of his depth. "That sounds fun. Um… when?"

He means it, Alec thinks, his stomach dropping, he _would_ like to go for a drink with Magnus. He would like some time to get to know him better. He'd also like to end this call, because now he feels really, really in over his head.

"How about right now?"

"Um…"

Could he be reckless? Alec thinks, giddy at the thought of dropping everything for himself for just once. He _could_ ; he could go out with this intriguing, flamboyant, beautiful, interesting _warlock_ , and forget the potential mess he's made with Jace. And forget Clary entirely, of course. _Clary_ , he thinks, turning to look for her, his heart thudding hard when he sees that she's gone.

"You know now's not a really good time for me. Another time? Gotta go," he stammers out, clinging to that possibility of a moment for himself, not ready to let it go; even when he's charging through the Institute in search of Clary.

* * *

Clary's words freeze Alec's blood. That she can say his secret out loud and so casually when it's been taunting him for all this time leaves Alec misplaced, waiting for the walls of his world to cave in. Though he doesn't have too much time to dwell on it, having been sucked into this little _Mundane_ adventure she is leading him on with another Mundane in her life. Simon, one of the other irritation invading Alec's world these past few days like so many splinters. His life had been peaceful, predictable, _easy_ , Alec thinks, wishing for a reversal of those days to get his own life back.

Jace's anger at him for _losing_ Clary just a little later has Alec questioning himself. His obvious dislike of Clary is on display for all the world, and though he has valid reasons for it, about all the rules they're breaking and all these missions that are not even close to being sanctioned, those tied to _Jace_ seem to have the loudest voice. Though Alec doubts himself, loathes himself for not following through on any mission—even this unsanctioned one of keeping an eye on Clary.

As Izzy is on the phone and Jace is trying to track Clary, Alec takes a few seconds for himself. He looks at his phone, scrolls through for that unknown number, and saves it as _Magnus Bane_ , immediately shortening it to just _Magnus_. Alec doesn't know what this means, doesn't know if he intends to call him, but slips his phone back into his pocket pleased he's taken this tiniest of _risks_. Then Jace is descending on him full of renewed fury, and Alec has to drag himself back to the real world once again.

* * *

"We need to get Clary back to the Institute and stay out of Downworld business."

Alec's words are for Jace, reaching for him instinctively as he follows Clary, as though they're already attached by some invisible source. But the words are also for himself; he's been thinking about _Magnus_ for a few hours now. Talking himself in and out of sending a message back.

Jace isn't leaving. Isn't listening; he's aligning himself to _her_. Alec continues to get the feeling the world is shifting beneath him for all these conflicted thoughts in his head, and don't know which way he's going to fall.

Jace doesn't even know he's there, Alec realizes, watching him be gentle with Clary and feeling himself dismissed.

"Are you two okay?" Izzy asks, and Alec is relieved she's noticed the strain between them, then immediately loathes that it's been acknowledged out loud.

"I don't know," he says, because he truly doesn't. For the first time since the ceremony when he and Jace became parabatai, Alec feels untethered. Jace has been his anchor, even when they've disagreed, or on the rare occasions they've fought over stupid things in the past.

 _This_ , this feels different, he feels like he's _losing_ Jace. Alec thinks he's even losing himself a little and wants to rage at all these changes that are descending on him to cause all of it.

That Jace hesitates for a second before climbing into that car leaves Alec even more unsteady; Jace must share this stomach-churning sickness he feels for them not being in sync. But then he's leaving anyway, and Alec doesn't know what to think.

"We need to get back to the Institute," he tells Izzy, even though it's a pointless thing to say out loud.

"Alec—"

"I'll see you there," Alec adds, charging forward before Izzy's words can stop him. He activates the runes that will get him back quicker, and hidden, appearing in his room in a matter of minutes avoiding anyone that can stop him.

Alec sinks to the bed, retrieving his phone from his pocket, knowing he only has seconds to act. At least he's got an excuse to speak with him, Alec thinks, though goes cold at the thought of _calling_ Magnus, doesn't trust himself to get out the right thing to say.

 _Hey_ , he writes as he starts a message, hoping to keep the tone right, _it's Alec. Alec Lightwood. I thought I'd give you the heads-up that Clary and Jace are coming to you. They're bringing a werewolf named Luke; he's the new head of the pack. He's sick; I think they're hoping you can help. I just wanted you to know._

At least Magnus can be prepared, Alec thinks, perhaps get some potions or whatever he needs ready for whatever he's going to do to help Luke. Alec has the irrational thought that he wants to be there to witness whatever it is Magnus is about to do, and pushes it away again before he can dwell on it too long.

Alec doesn't expect a reply, but there's one in under a minute.

_Magnus: Do you know what happened?_

_Alec: He just became leader. I don't know; he's got some scratches and almost collapsed right in front of us._

_Magnus: I see. Thank you for letting me know; I'll be waiting for them._

_Alec: You're welcome._

_Magnus: It's good to hear from you, Alexander._

Alec smiles at the message for a moment not knowing how to answer, feels his cheeks flush as he considers his options, then searches through those dreaded emojis and chooses which to send.

 


End file.
